Static.ecstasy

Been awhile. Work has been… overwhelming. not in the i’m-so-stressed sense, but in a i’m-so-tired-i-don’t-have-the-time-and-energy-to-do-anything-else. haha

but smth to REALLY thank God for:

1) I received a call for my first job interview!!! @ Sanofi-aventis (huge pharmaceutical company). really PTLPTLPTL! somebody actually wants me!!!

so yes, i’m taking the time to fast, not from food but as lex so appropriately suggested- fast from saying negative things about myself. :s

but i’m gna try.. cos i REALLY want this job.

2) Dylan and See Sen’s shop is opening tmr, no.. TODAY! Great people with big hearts and AMAZING dream and passion for God. i’m sooo excited for them and i really wish them all the best.

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Fresh Fire Conference is over. I’m happy for the many lives that were definitely impacted and touched. God was definitely moving in a great great manner. but.. honestly, i really felt i was standing on the bylines and sideline. maybe it’s because i haven’t been spending enough time with God. maybe i’m starting to feel the burden of leading the cell group.. and having a group of girls who may not want me as their leader. 

struggles struggles. feel myself slipping down that road of self-condemnation. all the thoughts! and all the emotions! hai. but for now i look beyond myself and rejoice with the others who were set free and made whole. :)

anyways i saw this and found it quite retarded. 

shit ALWAYS happens when i need to do powerhouse.

and awesome la it’s double whammy this time cos it’s powerhouse AND baptism. double pile of shit. 

so much pent-up verbal vomit. been far too long, i have neglected you. :( your owner sincerely apologizes. but hey, here’s the latest. i put quite abit of thought into this.. and yup, i’ll be quitting. leaving them and that line of work, probably for good. someone close told me i shouldn’t let those who can’t see destroy what i already have.. i think far more than that, i have destroyed myself, my esteem, my confidence a lot more than they have. stupid of me to grab onto such ‘superficial’ comforts to stoke my own ego, when at the end of the day i should have known it’d leave me emptier.

i will walk this journey of finding my own self-confidence. that i should find my value in no one but God. God i pray u remove the scales from my eyes- the scales that repeatedly paint a self that’s so ugly before my own eyes; help me see the true worth that You originally saw in me. 

goodbye TGL, it was never my share of the cake to begin with. ahead, i shall move. eyes forward, back straight. indeed i shall stiffen that upper lip. i’m created for more than that. go jayneeee!

there’s only so much i can give, there’s only how much i can love, there’s only so little that i can do.

So God, You please take over and take charge of their lives. Ultimately it is You, not me, that can change their lives. 

Yesterday was one of the worst days ever. One of those ‘I just want to drop everything and go back home to cry’. Somehow i find myself embroiled in some office politics between this intern and me. I’m not even trying to impress anyone or out-do this particular person so COULD U PLEASE JUST RELAX AND GET OFF MY CASE?! Go be a bunny on drugs and leave me out thanks. i’m NOT even trying to outdo or compete for goodness sake. seriously, grow up. leave me alone.

sometimes i can’t help but feel i’m like a second hand too. people only need me when their first-hands are occupied.. hmmm. aiya whatever. i need to sleep, be mega on my toes during work now. so suffocating. so draining. 

tmr’s cell; hopefully things will be better.

Times like this, when I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms.

Watch her flutter her eyelashes to keep awake,

Not wanting to sleep before I do.

Watch her little chest rise and fall as she sleeps soundly.

Times like this, when I wish I could smell her familiar scent. Her little nose twitching as she dozes.

Wishing I could smile as I watch her cover her hide her face under those tiny paws

Times like this, when I come home worn and drained, wishing to see her rush up to me with pure elation.

But what greets me is a silent home, emptiness beckons.

The tears still flow, the heart will forever yearn. Memories of her will always be. 

I hope you’re in the best place ever. I still think of u every day.

You’ve fought the hardest fight sweetheart, I know you have. Now it’s time to let go.. Go on to the better place prepared for you, where you’ll be free, running like a bullet, eating all your favourite fruits, overjoyed, no pain, no drips.. We are going to be by your side all the way till you breathe your last. We’re gonna hold you in our arms. And before you say goodbye, know for sure that we love you so so much. You have been the best, simply the best companion you could ever be. I love you sweetheart. You’re my best friend, my sister and my little baby sheep. Go in peace my love..